At least once every couple of months, I update you guys on what's going on in the world of Bigfoot. Why? Because it tickles me. And also so you will be up-to-date on the topic for your next dinner party.
This week, I not only have some reports from the interwebs, but some personal accounts from readers, as well. Y'all know I get some weird emails, right?
But first let's address a report about yetis, which are really just white Sasqui.
(A quick reminder of my plural guide: Bigfoot and Sasquatch = Sasqui; Yeti= Yeti.)
Yeti are the winterized versions of the big critters, who live in snowy, mountainous regions. They are sometimes referred to as Abominable Snowmen, and sometimes as Not Really Real At All.
Yeti believers got quite a blow recently when a scientist examined an array of bones collected in the Himalayans over the years that were purported to be from Yeti. Biologist Charlotte Lindqvist, asked by a company that produced episodes for the show "Yeti or Not," did DNA testing and found the nine bones were from ... wait for it ... bears. Well, all except a large tooth that came from a dog.
But don't despair, Yeti groupies.
*** Tangent alert *** Here are some good names for your Yeti-hunting club, if you were stumped: Yeti Bettys (all female), Yeti Cadetis (camo-wearing), Ready for Yeti (generic), Yeti Quarteti (group of four), Yeti Cigarettis (for smokers) ... I could do this all day. You're welcome. Tangent over. ***
Only this week, Sweetums and I heard from two people who have critter troubles. One is a woman in Clanton, Ala., who said a swamp monster is eating her cats. I'm not making fun of her, really I'm not, because she says she's not messing with me and is truly having a problem.
She wrote: "It's big, it sounds scary, but I've seen it twice, the first time I was scared and it looked sad and walked away. The second time I spoke to it and it was scared and ran away ... [it's] tall, apx 7-8 feet and apx 500-600 lbs ... It has a hairy face but its body is sleek and smooth with long fur/hair. It has been dark but it looks to be black, and has very long finger nails or claws."
She said she doesn't want the creature killed. "I will continue to try to make peaceful contact I kind of think it's like the Beast in 'Beauty and the Beast'; it's not really mean, just completely misunderstood. Otherwise it would have hurt me by now as I have given it several opportunities to do so."
Sweetums wants to go visit her and look for evidence. Of course he does. (As I often say, you really don't want to look too closely inside our lives.)
A couple of days after that email, Sweetums got a text from a friend who owns a zoo saying a guy in Florida contacted him about a family of Skunk Apes that live behind his house in Florida. Skunk Apes, y'all. For those who aren't familiar with mythical creatures, these are Sasqui that are unique to Florida (because of course Florida would have its own brand of Bigfoot) and smell bad enough to knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
So Sweetums called this guy, who lives near Destin, Florida, because ... really, did you expect him to ignore the phrase "Skunk Ape family"?
Here's what the man said: There are three Skunk Apes living in an abandoned house in the woods - a father, a mother and a baby that is about the size of an average human. One of them looked in his window, frightening his wife.
He also said the ape apparently longs for a home-cooked meal. One night when his wife was cooking meatloaf, the couple heard loud banging on their front door. When they looked, there were dents in the door. The man "picked up a sword and ran outside yelling, 'Get out of here ape'" because he didn't know what else to do. (Pro tip: Always have a sword handy if you live in a Bigfoot-prone region).
This guy is also a right-to-lifer - he just wants the family run off so it will stop messing with his family.
I am hoping Sweetums doesn't want to go to Destin but I don't have much confidence in that. And, if we're to be honest, I'm not the type to pass up the chance to see a baby Skunk Ape soooo ... be on the lookout for photos on our social media accounts. Probably of me in a beachside hammock with a margarita but you never know.
Kelly Kazek's humor columns appear regularly on AL.com and in The Huntsville Times, The Birmingham News and The Press-Register in Mobile. Find her on Facebook or follow her humor columns on Pinterest here. You can also follow her blog here....Read more